My reflection after reading "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother"

I just finished reading "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother". This is not a book review, there are enough reviews already. This is much more personal in nature. My reasons for reading book and what I got out of it.

I picked up the book because for last few years, I became more and more like my Chinese parents in my parenting style. I also remember that as a kid, I vowed that I would NEVER do what my parents did to me when I was a kid. However, patterns have a way of repeating itself. Along came, Amy Chua, an accomplished person set out to raise accomplished children. I wondered for the longest time, torn between, wanting to read this for parenting tips or disavowing it because I don't want to be a Tiger Dad. But the simple truth is that we naturally repeat the patterns that we have been given, unless a vast and conscious effort is applied to CHANGE. I thought, I must read this book to see how can "Chinese parenting" really succeed or if not, how can I become my own change agent to become a better parent.

In order to change, a goal must be clearly defined. Until I can clearly articulate the type of parent that I want to be, I can't succeed. I admired Amy Chua because she was unapologetically clear about what kind of parent she wanted to be. It's easy to criticize, but I haven't met any parent who is as clear about their style or purpose as Ms Chua. All the parents I have met say ambiguous things like "Just teach them right and wrong", "I just want them to be happy", or "I just want them to be a good (productive, honest, hard working, etc) person". For right or for wrong, Ms Chua was clear in her goals, purposes, objectives and she did everything in her power to move that way. When the battle was lost, she had the grace to retreat.

I don't feel that I got any useful parenting tips or deep insights about what kind of parent that I want to be. In the end, I realized that, selfishly, my happiness is as important is my children's. My happiness would be enjoying my time with them but also seeing them grow up and be more successful and happier than me. The "Chinese way" seems to dictate these are opposing roads, parents must pick one or the other, and that the end justifies the means. After reading the book, I confirms that I must search for my own middle road. Beyond the taskmaster of the Chinese parenting, beyond the positive hopefulness of the American parenting. Somehow, I will blend these two seemingly opposite paradigms. 

Ms Chua admitted as much at the end of the book, for her, these are two opposing paradigm. I still holding out of the hope there is a path where I can be loving, affirming, disciplining, taskmaster, and drill sergeant that can inspire and prepare my children to have chances for the best possible future outcome.

Why piano lessons for my children...

My son practiced piano for almost 3 years so far. For him and for me that's over 130 hours of weekly lessons and over 500 hours of daily practice. It's quite a commitment. I sit with him for every lesson and every practice session. I never had any piano lessons growing up, so I put in extra effort to follow the instruction. When we initially started, I put in my fair share of time to keep up with the music theory and the practice. Now, I can't keep up the practice, but I still follow the music theory closely.

The big question is why? What's so special about piano that this level of dedication and effort is warranted? Why not something else? What do I hope my son will gain with all these effort, and what do I gain? These are not easy questions, I struggle with these question every time my son complains about piano. I see him struggle with some difficult pieces and we both feel like giving up.

Here are some rational and irrational explanation why I think piano is important. Of course, since I am musically illiterate, these are just my opinion and hopes, with only limited experience and no research to back up any of these reasoning. As a parent, we often impose irrational or semi-rational beliefs on our children, I'm no different. But, I'm trying to write down my reasons publicly.

First, music is another language, and it's a core language of the human mind that crosses time, cultural, political, ethnic, social, and economic boundaries. Everyone listens to music. If possible, everyone should be able to talk, read, and write music. Piano is an easy way for kids to start learning to read, write, and talk the language of music.

Second, piano playing teaches coordination and concentration. Reading lines of music, playing with different timing on right and left hand is incredibly difficult. It really requires tremendous amount of focus and practice to do this well.

Third, piano playing, at children's level, is purely an individual effort. Parents and teachers can help guide but only one person plays the keys. There are no team member to hinder or help cover the mistakes. The results is completely dependent on ones focus and practice. No one else to blame or share the credit.

Forth, piano practice is time for honest self evaluation. Everyone has innate ability to appreciate good melody and rhythm, even little children. There is a simple and natural feedback loop during practice, children knows if they are play good music or not. I always asks my son, he what he thought of his playing. This process of self evaluation is critical for personal growth. Only through the process of self-evaluation can one stretch one's abilities.

Fifth, the piano playing result closely reflects the effort. Each music piece starts out really rough, one can barely pick out the melody. But as the practice progress, we can clearly make out the melody, then tempo of the music takes shape. Next, comes chords, adding their richness to the piece. Something really magical happens, when the child comprehends the mood of the piece. The playing becomes a song, not just a series of mechanical keys strokes, but a real wonderful and beautiful experience for the player and listener. Not every piece has this effect, but all the best song has this emotional connection with the player and it can only happen through practice.

Sixth, piano practice will teach perseverance. Piano practice is like a multi-level video game. Each song represents a level with its own unique fingers and technique. With a good teacher and good lesson plan, each piece builds on the prior techniques. Then the recitals are the mega-monster at the end of each series of levels. I wish piano is as addictive to kids as videos games, but I think some of the elements are the same. The perseverance is the ability to see the big picture, believing in oneself, through a series of small and baby steps, and make the big picture come true. There is NO way to learn perseverance through books or talking about it. Only by acting out the process of perseverance can a kid really learn it. So this is my job as a parent, to guide them through this process, let them see the end result of our combined effort. Hopefully, they will be able to apply this process to their passions in other areas.

Seventh, I wished I learned piano when I was a kid. My parents didn't believe that I had any musical talent that is worth investing. And it was never important enough compared to other subjects. I feel some regret and bitterness about that lack of opportunity even though I don't know if music lesson would have any much impact in my adult life. So i'm going to try to do something different for my children.

Eighth, music creates beauty and piano is easier to play compared to other instruments. I don't think I can handle violin in an inexperienced hand. The wrong pitch sounds would drive me crazy at home.

How is piano different from any other individual activities such as swimming, or golf? All these activities develops character and confidence through coordination, practice and perseverance. I think the key difference is self-evaluation. I believe music appreciation and expression is innate. Learning piano and music is a formal way to harness and advance this natural human ability. Swimming might be innate but golf is certainly a cultural activity. Because music appreciation is innate, there is a simple, natural, and positive feedback loop to enable growth of children's musical ability.

The big pictures is that I don't expect or even want my children to become concert pianist, become famous, and tour the world. I imagine that would be a very hard life. It's the process of learning music and piano that I hope will teach many valuable lessons: individual effort, honest self-evaluation, practice, and perseverance. I hope these lessons will build confidence and ability to apply this process to achieve self-confidence in other arena of their lives. I mean, honestly, I'm proud of myself that I survived 2 years of college math. I can't do integral, differential equation, or linear algebra to save my live now, but I know that I could do it again. I think college is like that. I can't remember most of the things that I supposedly learned in college, but I know it was a lot of reading, studying, and hard work. Mostly, what I learned is that I can do it again even better the second time if I wanted to. It's a kind of self-confidence.

So I need to consistently remind myself, whenever I feel disappointed that my son didn't do as well as I hoped in piano or anything else for that matter. Piano is only one of many medium that I use to teach these larger life lessons. I can't get distracted by the short term goals of the piano lessons to lose sight of the big picture of character and confidence building through individual effort, honest self-evaluation, practice, and perseverance. I must always be try to set high standards and still be positive and encouraging.

12 levels of personal finance black belt. Which level are you?

Many financial guides are a list of tasks or achievements: Make a budget, get out of debt, save for retirement, save for college, buy your first home, get life insurance, etc. Those guides are a prescriptive list of things that you should do and those list are great. But they rarely give you any guideline as to when you should apply and start those tasks and if there is any order to those tasks. Everything seems important and should be done right now. I think these guides are helpful but I often feel conflicted and confused because they are pulling me in so many directions at once.

This list, hopefully, is a different kind of list for personal finance. I'm attempting to offer a descriptive order of skills sets and knowledge that you must master to achieve financial control and wealth management. Each level requires complete mastery before you can move on to the next, I think going out of order would be inefficient and a waste of time and money. These skills set are not based on individual's net worth or income level. It's a measure of the level of control and understanding of one's personal financial health.

With that quick introduction, here is the list. Each topic can be expanded with much greater detail and I'll do that for future blog entries.


1. Read some new personal finance or personal improvement books every year.
2. Carry credit cards or other revolving debts for only a short period of time (< 6 month)
3. Live within your means
4. Have 6 month or more of emergency funds
5. Saving at least 10% of pre-tax income
6. Clear (5 to 10 years) long term financial goals and allocation plan of your savings to the various long term goals. (saving for wedding, car, house, kids college, vacation, retirement, new business capital, pay off long term debt, etc)
7. Allocation plan of assets across real estate, equity (domestic, foreign, and emerging), bonds, and other asset classes.
8. Diversify your income streams through real estate, hobby, eBay, side consulting business, business ownership, bonds, CDs, etc.
9. Complete your own taxes until you understand the applicable tax laws.
10. Find or hire your financial control team: accountants, mortgage brokers, real estate brokers, personal advisers, mentors, attorney, etc.
11. Adequate protection for your long term financial interests through insurance, estate planning, and trusts.
12. Estate and tax planning to minimize tax liabilities.

Is there another level beyond 12? I don't know. I can't think that far. I'm still working on level 10 and 11 skill set and can't see beyond the next hill that I have to conquer. Since level 12 covers the end of one's life and beyond, it's hard to imagine there is another level of skill set for "personal" finance.

I'm working on level 10 and 11, but doesn't mean all the previous level are completed. Obviously each level still have many prescriptive list of tasks that needs to be accomplished. Saving for college and retirement are some of the tasks from level 6 and I'm still a long way off from completing them. But as a skill set, knowledge, and the degree of confidence that the situation is under control, I feel that I have mastered that level.

I think this is a different and unique way to learn and master personal finance. To any reader of the blog, i'm curious if you think this is a helpful model for you to gain better control and mastery of your personal finance.

So let me know; Which level are you? 

What should I be when I grow up?

Son (2nd grade) asked a tough question today... "What should I be when I grow up?"

Here was a perfect learning moment. He cared enough to ask and he still value my opinion enough to ask me. I was filled with pride.. yet this was a very difficult question to give a straight answer.

Here was my on-the-spot answer .. Probably too abstract for him to understand right now, but hopefully it sets the foundation for more future discussions.

There are three kinds of things that you can do.
1) things that you like to do
2) things that you are really good at doing
3) things that people will pay you to do

Sometimes those things are the same, if you are lucky. I'm very lucky. I like to make software, I'm pretty good at making software and it's important to other people so they pay me to do it. I like to play with you but no one pays me to play with you. I like to read. Reading is important to me, but I don't know how to write a book. So if I want to keep reading, I have to pay money to people who are really good at writing books. Everybody is different so I can't tell you what those things will be for you. You will need to try really hard at different things so you can find out for yourself.

How would you answer this question if your young child asks you?

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Now, I look back at my answer. I'm not sure if Venn diagram or the pyramid is the best way to represents this list. If it was a perfectly rational world, you can only be good at things that you like to do and people will only pay you for things that you are really good at doing. People and work places are far from rational. People pay for many reason not related to talent or skill. Or there can be so much demand for a job that anyone that took 1 or 2 college classes can get a job even if they are terrible at it.

Venn diagram is probably the best representation.
- things that you don't like, but you are really good at and you get paid. You'll eventually get burned out.
- things you like and you get paid, but not ready good at. You'll reach a compensation maximum.
- unless you're a trust-fund baby, you'll eventually need to get paid.

So try it out, doesn't matter if you are getting your first job or Exec with 30 years of experience. You can make a list of things that you can to do that fits the different segments of the Venn diagram. Then think about how you can re-align your life and works choices for optimal balance by moving to the center of the diagram.

Evolution of a software engineering manager.

Many years of engineering and management experience and decision making strategy summarized in 5 simple paragraphs.


When I was in college, I learned about data structures and algorithms. Computer Science is basically a 2 dimensional problem: space vs time. How fast the code perform vs how much memory or disk space it needs? The goal is always to find the optimal balance between while trying to minimize both. I was good at coming up with solution so I moved up in rank.

When I became a senior engineer, I realized my job was really a three dimensional problem: space vs time vs complexity. More complex code, means more bugs and harder to maintain. One time inspiration, becomes a coding nightmare a year later, when I try to fix a bug but can't figure out how the oh-so-clever algorithm works. So the goal is to find the least complex code that meets the requirement while finding the optimal balance between space and time while trying to minimize both. KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) became my golden engineering rule.

When I became an engineering manager, I realized my job became a 4 dimensional problem: space vs time vs complexity vs dollars. I had all the same problem as before, but now everything is measure against dollar / budget. Whether is person-hours, consulting dollars, missed opportunity, post-release technical support, etc. Every decision can be translated into different types of cost. My job is again, trying to find optimal path to balance and minimize all four dimensions of constraints. The good news is that complexity and dollar has strong correlation, spend the money upfront with great UI design will simplify requirement and simplify the UI will go a long way to minimize all the other dimensions. That's why I always hire the best UI/UX designer, and most senior engineers that I can find to seed the team, because they know how to avoid the traps of "over-engineering" a solution.

When I became an engineering director, I realized my job  became  a 5 dimensional problem: space vs time vs complexity vs dollars vs scalability. I'm referring to specifically the the scalability of the organization, the teams, and the inter-team and intra-team communication. This is a direct application of Conway's law. The desired product architecture must match desired organizational structure and communication processes. My job is to optimize the team, processes, and product architecture so each group can do their best to optimize the remaining 4 dimensions.

When I became an engineering vice president, I made it my mission to continuing my quest to articulate that one new key dimension. It took years of experience at each level before I found that one kernel of truth that clearly defines the role for each level. I have some ideas swirl in the back of my head, not yet a clear strategy. Stay tuned.

My Adventure in Tiffany & Co.

Valentine's day was getting close and I wanted to get a nice present for my wife. I had a beautiful necklace picked out. Then I googled "Negotiating at Tiffany". The search results were discouraging. Every credible posting indicated no flexibility on the price. But it never hurts to try and you don't know until you ask.. right?!? So with the most positive of attitude, I decide to try my hand at negotiating. Negotiation always feels like that magic thing that sales people knows how to do. Engineers are not suppose to be good negotiator. I don't have much experience negotiating with retail stores. I'm pretty good at searching for good deals on the internet. But I'm a total newbie at negotiations.

If you can imagine for a moment, I was about to walk into one of the most stuck up retail store, ever, and I'm going to try haggling. Crossing the massive and intimidating metal doors, walking pass the burly security guard with pinstripe suite and the earpiece, trying to approach the sales person with all the confidence that I could muster. I looked the necklace again then I asked for price discount in my best imitation of a polite and firm tone. The reply I got was also polite and firm.. "Tiffany has NEVER change an item price is its 175 year history". It's pretty convincing.

Do I gave up? Of course, not. Even though, i'm a newbie, I never do things without preparation. And the key to successful negotiation is preparation. I'm reading "Getting More" by Stuart Diamond, highly recommended by a good friend and follow blogger http://www.imeeshu.com/. I figured my little stunt at Tiffany & Co would be the perfect time to practice.

As recommend by the book, I have a plan in mind.
1) Connect with the sales person. Make it easier for me, I call the sale person on phone first to start. I had the sales person's email address too, but  negotiating over email is obviously a bad idea.
3) Ask a bunch of questions
4) Ask more questions when I met face to face
5) Always stay friendly and calm. I know I was going to get the piece, it's just a point of practice to see if I can "GET MORE".
6) Acknowledge Tiffany brand's power and appeal.
7) Ask for help.
8) Listen to what is not being said.


Did I successfully negotiate at Tiffany? I think so. Here are some things that I learned and successfully negotiated for.

- You don't have to be Newt Gingrich to get an interest free loan from Tiffany. They offer 6 or 12 month interesting free revolving balance loan if the account is paid in full. Anyone with good credit can qualify.

- You can negotiate for better service. I wanted the necklace to be extended by 2 inches. I got the fee  waived.

- I wanted the piece in time for V-day. The extension were done in N.Y. so I got express overnight shipping for free.

These were small concessions, but looking back, it was a lot of fun. I was proud of myself for trying to negotiate. I practiced many important points from the book. I believe the plan worked. The sales person could easily have said no to any and all these requests. She would have made the sale any ways. Because we connected, keep the process friendly, she went out of her way to try to clear the things with the manager. To give even more credit to the Tiffany sales person.. I received nice and very surprising thank you note from her. How often does that happen? A sales person that gives you a thank you note.

First science experiment with my son.

I want to foster scientific thinking and curiosity in my son. The first grade science topic was different states of matter (gas, liquid and solid). Like many 1st graders, my son thinks he knows everything about it already. So I asked him some questions about evaporation and water vapor. His answers were very good.  My final question was "what would happen to the water in an airtight jar?" I don't remember his exact answer, but I remember responding.. "so.. that's your hypothesis?" He replied, "Yes!"...

And that is how we kicked off our first science experiment. I found two identical glass jars, one closed and one open. We filled it with filtered water and use tape and marker to indicate the start date. The experiment got off with a very slow start. I thought there would be some evaporation indoors. Nothing happened after a few days so we moved the experiment to a sunny spot outdoor. 

Son photographed experiment result after 1 week

My son was very excited when he saw the result 1 week later. He carefully marked the second measurement and saw that the open jar had about .25 inch less water. More importantly, he noticed another key difference between the two jars. There are water droplets accumulated inside of the top portion of the closed glass jar. He described it as 'I could see that water had nowhere to go'. To him, it is the key proof that evaporation occurred and water vapor was trapped.

The experiment was a big success for him. It validated his hypothesis. It was an even bigger success for me. We immediately hit the library and borrowed books for more science experiments. Our next 3 experiments are in the works:

1. Test the effect of salt in the water on evaporation
2. Test the effect of different size of hole on evaporation by using saran wrap
3. Make sugar crystals by evaporation of a super saturated sugar water mix